


Love at First (almost) Death

by Emma_LupinBlack



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Both boys are bad at feelings, Gay Sirius Black, Getting Together, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Like MAJOR Canon Divergence, M/M, Nice Severus Snape, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Remus' Home life sucks, Sad Remus Lupin, Sad Sirius Black, Slow Burn, So does Sirius', Still bad at tagging, Suicide Attempt, This will probably be long, but i still hate him, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:55:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27716423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emma_LupinBlack/pseuds/Emma_LupinBlack
Summary: One night everything gets too much for Remus Lupin and he resorts to doing the one thing he promised himself he would never do. But what he doesn't know is that Sirius Black had the same plan in mind... They find something in each other that they never had in anyone else from that night on.ON HIATUS
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! So this is my first time posting my writing so I'm a little scared haha. But like I said first time posting so constructive criticism is really appreciated! (Please no hate tho) Also, the subject of the story isn't something I have personal experiences with so I hope they are realistic enough.

**r**

4th year had been grueling for Remus Lupin. With classwork, social life, his family’s disgust of him...and the transformations. Depression had overtaken his mother so when he went to visit her she would just lay in her bed. A hello or 2 would happen but nothing else. It had seemed he had gotten that gene too. Lying awake at 4 am in the Gryffindor dorms he was crying. He used to sleep fine with a nightmare every few nights. But now when he closed his eyes the thoughts of the wolf inside him took over and he couldn’t bear the thoughts of tearing his friends to shreds. Madam Pomfrey did tell him the transformations would worsen with puberty... 

So, like the past few months, Remus lay awake. But this time his thoughts went so much deeper than ever. He had started to shut down months ago. He knew no one would care. He had barely eaten in months, barely slept either. Just wallowed at night with no sleep. He couldn’t look in mirrors without hatred of what he saw; marred skin, boney body, and the fact he could count each of his rib bones without trouble. He hated himself. The wolf part of himself.

He just wanted the pain to stop. He just wished he could sleep forever. He just wanted to stop. Stop what? Everything. 

He knew what suicide was. He knew why it happened. But he didn’t know the repercussions. How _could_ a fourth-year wizard know the results of ending their own life? Remus supposed what led to the events happening at the current moment was about two months ago when he stopped being able to produce a smile without struggling or when he lost motivation to do basic things. It escalated to where he didn’t care if he lived. Then it got to where he is right now.

At the moment Remus Lupin is in the dorm bathroom with the pocket knife his buddy in Wales gave him. He pressed it to his wrist and sliced. Over and over and over until there was more red blood than skin. He was a little lightheaded from the loss of blood and the dehydration from bawling so much. Then a moment later he tripped and bashed into the cabinet making a loud bang.

Here Remus is. Sitting with his back to a cabinet on the floor sobbing with his wrists bleeding. What he didn’t realize is _how_ loud the bang was. It had woken up James Potter. The only light sleeper in the marauders.

  
  


**j**

James was sleeping peacefully when he was woken by a bang from the bathroom. So as he got up and looked around to see everyone’s curtains drawn closed. He drew his wand and walked slowly towards the bathroom. He opened it slowly. What he saw inside haunted him.

Inside was one of his best mates bloody and sobbing. “BLOODY FUCKING HELL WHAT HAPPENED!” he shouted running over, somehow not waking anyone up. “I’m so sorry I’m so sorry James I’m so sorry.” Remus cried out. James now was on the verge of crying when he tried to talk to Remus. “Remus. REMUS! Tell me what’s happening!” James said trying to get the other boy to focus on him. “I-i did it I did it! I’m sorry” Remus got out during his haze of sobbing and blood loss. James, with tears streaming down his face, tried to wrap something over Remus’ wrists. “Fuck fuck fuck i-” James blurted out. “I-i can’t help I don’t k-know the spells! I- um I’m gonna get McGonagall.”

“NO, NO JAMES. please don’t please don’t!” Remus shouted with what energy he had left. But it was no use because James was already out of the bathroom.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is should be longer than the first lol. But thank you for the comments and Kudos on the first chapter! <3

**Third-person**

James was now running through Gryffindor Tower trying to get to McGonagall’s office. He really bloody hoped she would be on there. When he finally reached it he burst through the door to see Professor McGonagall grading papers. “PLEASE HELP ME! REMUS HE-” James shouted to a concerned-looking professor before he started sobbing upon seeing his bloody hands. “My god!” She said standing up and ushering over to the boy. “Remus! He-He... He needs help right now!” James cried out trying to drag McGonagall. 

She followed him up to the dorms and saw all the bed-curtains drawn closed. But she got pulled over to the bathrooms. Inside was a half-conscious, sobbing, and bloody Remus Lupin. “Dear boy! What happened?!” McGonagall said, rushing over to Remus. “I-I'm Sorry I-I did it” Remus sobbed. She pulled out her wand. “NO no Stop!” Remus said, trying to crawl away from the professor. “Remus I’m not gonna hurt you come here. I need to heal you.” McGonagall tried to stay calm to avoid waking up the other boys. 

“I d-don’t want y-you to heal m-me” Remus stuttered out, again trying to crawl away but failing miserably. “Remus look at me please. I’m going o try to heal these. You are losing too much blood.” McGonagall pleaded. “Bu-” Remus started but he started to pass out. “REMUS!” James screamed, waking Peter.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**s**

During all the commotion everyone failed to realize that Sirius didn't wake up. Currently at 4:23 AM, Sirius Orion Black is lying unconscious in his bed. From what? Taking a mix of 3 different bottles of pills at 3:46 AM.

Why? A lot of reasons. To list a few. The years of abuse from his family. The depression he could never get help for or talk about. Walburga Black using Diffindo and Crucio on him more than once. In his warped mind, he thought everyone would be better off without him. For months he withdrew and no one seemed to notice. For months everyone had ignored the quiet crying coming from Sirius’ bed. Sirius knew Remus would most likely be up but not once did Remus or anyone say anything to him. But he didn't know Remus was fighting his own demons as well.

Now he is unconscious and dying with no one knowing he was.

**d**

Dumbledore had been urgently summoned to Gryffindor tower by Minerva. When he found out it was because Remus Lupin cut his wrists Dumbledore was shocked. Peter was getting out of bed confused when he arrived. The blonde boy followed him into the bathroom and gasped when he saw McGonagall trying to stop some bleeding from cuts on a passed-out Remus.

Madam Pomfrey was also summoned up and was now getting Remus on a floating stretcher. “Where is S-Sirius?” A shaking James Potter asked as he and Peter were being escorted out. “That boy can really sleep.” Minerva mumbled stopping with the boys. 

Dumbledore walked over to Sirius’ bed and opened the curtains and saw him looking very sweaty. “Mr. Black?” Nothing. "Mr. Black." Still Nothing. “Sirius?” Nothing once again, Dumbledore was getting worried and looked around Sirius. Then it dawned on him. There were three opened bottles of unknown pills laying next to him. “MADAM POMFREY!” Dumbledore shouted rushing to pick up the pill bottles and get them to the healer.

“What happened?!” Pomfrey said rushing out of the bathroom, Remus on the stretcher. “It's Sirius Black. He isn't waking up and I found these.” Dumbledore rushed out showing her the bottles. “Dear boy!” she said running over to Sirius’ bed

**Third-person**

Madam Pomfrey ran over to Sirius and checked his pulse. “I- it's weak. Pass me those bottles, Albus!” The headmaster frantically passed her the bottles. “Albus what is going on.” McGonagall said concernedly, trying to make sure the two other boys are okay. James ran over to Sirus’ bed when he saw something was wrong. “Sirius? S-Sirius!? Why isn't he waking up!” James started to panic. He felt like he couldn't breathe. Everything was crashing down on him. Panic attack. McGonagall tried to get him away but he would leave the room. “NO NO STOP NO!” he shouted. James.

“Albus!” Pomfrey shouted. “I can’t heal muggle pills. We need a muggle hospital!” she shouted. Dumbledore grabbed Sirius and said, “I'm going to apparate there, I need you to come with me, Poppy.” With that, the healer ran over to Dumbledore and they apparated near a muggle hospital with Sirius in Dumbledore’s arms. They rush into the front door. “SOMEONE PLEASE MY SON!” Madam Pomfrey shouted, acting hysterical to make it look real. Even with Dumbledore planning on obliviating everyone here once they were done anyway.

A nurse came rushing over. Outside they had used a spell to change their robes. “What happened?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! I hope you liked that chapter. Just to clear something up I know Madam Pomfrey could probably heal Muggle Pill Overdoses with a flick of her wand but I wanted to add some drama so don't come for me.


	3. Chapter 3

*The date and time is 2:13 pm, January 18, 1975, now*

**r**

When he woke up, Remus remembered Mcgonagall coming into the bathroom but after that, it's all a blur. He looks around and realizes he isn't in the bathroom anymore. He isn't even Gryffindor Tower anymore! Once he was more coherent he realized that he was in the hospital wing. Remus looked over to his other side and saw a shaking and concerned James potter looking at the ground fidgeting with his hands. He also saw Peter looking worried. But no Sirius. 

“W-where is Sirius?” Remus said raspily from screaming before he passed out. James shot up and practically launched himself at Remus. “I'M SO GLAD YOU ARE OKAY!” he said, hugging him and almost suffocating him. “Where is Sirius?” Remus said a bit clearer, looking around the curtains shutting him off from other patients. Five seconds after he said that James got up and looked at him about to cry. The boy then ran out of the curtained area. “Peter where is Sirius!” Remus said, looking concerned. “I- um I'm gonna get Madam Pomfrey.” 

\-----------------------------

Five minutes later, to Remus’ dismay, Madam Pomfrey came in with bandages. “Hi Remus. I'm glad to see you are awake.” She said with a small smile. “Where is Sirius? No one will tell me and I'm scared.” Remus said, holding back tears. Pomfrey sat down on the bed with the bandages and made a ‘give me your arms’ motion. “I need to tell you something Remus okay? About Sirius. I'm not sure I'm supposed to but I'm going to anyway.” He was now very scared. “Last night. Before you went to the bathroom, Sirius took a lot of pills last night in an attempt to end his life. I know this is a lot to process but it wasn't your fault Remus.” Pomfrey said looking into his eyes. 

Remus now had tears streaming down his face. He could hold it in anymore. He let out a sob and Madam Pomfrey just came and hugged him until he stopped crying. Which was about 5 minutes.

Once he was done he asked if he could see Sirius. She said that Sirius is next to Remus and she could open the curtains. But he is asleep. “Thank you Madam Pomfrey.” Once she left, Remus gingerly got up and walked over to Sirius’ bed. He made the decision after many minutes of thinking and slowly climbed into the boy’s bed and took him in his arms. 

To Remus’ surprise when he woke up an hour later the black-haired boy was cuddled up to his chest hugging him close. Still half asleep, Remus started stroking Sirius’ hair softly unknowingly. The pair lay there half asleep, unbeknownst to the 3 people outside of the curtains.

**S**

Sirius woke up from his deep slumber with his eyes still closed and a nice warmth surrounding him. Wanting more of the warmth, he moved to cuddle whatever was giving off a large amount of warmth and promptly fell back asleep.

The second time Sirius awoke was when he felt someone stroking his hair. He was a little more conscious but still very tired. He cracked an eye open a bit and recognized those half-open golden-brown eyes laced with drowsiness. He felt content and cuddled up more against Remus. The boy wrapped his arms around him again and the pair fell asleep once again. 

Sirius had dreams that confused him. He went home for summer back to 12 Grimmauld Place filled with dread. But when he entered instead of the usual yelling and cursing and disappointment comments he received a hug from Walburga. Shocked at first but revealed in the feeling of a hug from his mother Sirius hugged her back. But then she grabbed the back of this neck with her sharp nails and yanked him out of the embrace and looked at him with anguish. “HOW COULD YOU? How could you do that to me…” she sobbed. 

Sirius woke with a start. It took him a second to remember that Remus was holding him. With tears in his eyes, he tried to wake Remus. “R-Remus” he sputtered out. Within seconds the brown-haired boy's eyes opened dazed with sleepiness. He took one look at Sirius’ teary eyes. “It's okay. I'm here.” Remus whispered to Sirius, calming him. He sighed once the other boy’s breathing evened out.

**Third-person**

But Remus didn't fall asleep. He laid there. Thinking. He knew what he did. He knew that James had found him in the bathroom. _I was supposed to die,_ he thought. Anger filled him. Remus didn't want to be alive. Then after what felt like hours, but was more like 10 minutes, the boy silently broke down. No sounds, just tears, and sadness, and hatred. 

During his crying Sirius woke up. He didn't really care that Remus was crying because he was on the verge of crying. His dream was his funeral. Everyone was there, James, Peter, the Potters, even the Black Family. He broke down along with Remus. Anger, Sadness, Hatred. 

After a while, both boys knew that the other was crying but didn't say anything. Because they felt similar and knew it was better this way. They comforted each other with just their presence and the knowledge that the other felt the same way. Sirius knew what somewhat happened with Remus. He awoke for about 10 minutes a while back and Madam Pomfrey came and told him what happened. He was slightly shocked to find out Remus had been feeling so worthless that he resorted to the same thing Sirius did.

“Sirius..” was heard after a while. Both boys had stopped crying but just laid there. “Ya.” Sirius replied. “Are we in heaven yet?” and with that, both boys burst out in loud uncontrollable laughter at the dark joke.

“What in the bloody-” Madam Pomfrey said as she rushed through the curtains with James and Peter in tow. “Remus he *laughing* he made a *more laughter* REMUSASKEDIFWEAREINHEAVENYET!” Sirius managed to get out before both boys burst into another fit of laughter. “Get it *giggles* because we both tried to die!” Remus shouted through giggles. And even more, laughter ensued from the boys. Everyone in the little makeshift room stared at him dumbfounded. They just- they are laughing at the fact they tried to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending of this chapter just seems like something Remus would say in the situation don't you think? Anyway hope you enjoyed the chapter and Thank you for the Kudos and comments!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally had no idea what to have happen because it thought it was a bit weird at first but I have a flair for the dramatic so we gonna keep what I had and add some panic attacks.

**j**

A moment after Remus told them the reason behind the joke James started crying. Then he ran out of the curtained area. Madam Pomfrey had turned around to see James running out. She silenced the curtained room and ran after James. Once out, she saw him run out the door. Just lovely.

Once James went out of the hospital wing he sprinted. He could barely see but somehow managed to not run into anyone. Although when he turned a corner somewhere he almost ran into one Severus Snape and Lily Evans. Once he stopped he was started shaking and fell against the wall. “Bloody hell! What's wrong with him?!” said Snape rushing over to him. 

Thankfully he put their feud aside for now because who in their right mind would not rush over to someone shaking and sobbing. “Potter? Potter!” Snape said while gesturing to Lily to get a water bottle. He finally got James to sit down on the ground. “No n-no they c-c-can't b-be.” the boy started muttering while crying. “Who can't be Potter?” the black-haired boy trying to get James to drink from the water Lily got.

His head shot up and James looked into the eyes of Severus Snape. James' eyes were dull and glossy. “S-Sirius and R-Remus. They t-tried to k-kill themes-selves.” James said.

**Third-person**

Lily stood there shocked with a hand on her mouth and tears in her eyes. Then breaking the silence, Severus said quietly “We need to get him to the hospital wing Lily. We don't know what's wrong with him other than he passed out…” “O-okay” she croaked out. Most would be confused as to why she was crying because, well she seemed to hate the Marauders. But she didn't hate all of them though. Her distaste was really just towards James and Sirius. Peter was just a follower who did whatever they wanted and Remus was… Remus. He didn’t take shit from most people but was overall a kind, quiet boy who just had mischievous friends. She loved to hang out with Remus silently studying together. 

Now she was walking into the Hospital Wing helping Severus carry James because he ended up passing out a bit after they got him up. Pete looked over when the door opened and his eyes went big and he rushed over calling for Madam Pomfrey. “What happened Severus?!” he asked Snape because he was carrying most of James. Severus was a bit surprised at the blatant use of his name but remembered Pete was just a bystander to the fights. “I'm not very sure. He almost ran into us in hysterics so we got him to sit down and have some water. He kept mumbling and when I asked him what happened he said… er- that doesn't matter but he passed out on the way.” Snape said. By this time Pomfrey was rushing over and took James away. 

**ss**

Madam Pomfrey had asked Lily and Severus to stay so she could ask them what happened. Since it was Saturday they didn't have classes and they waited until the healer finished checking up on James. 

Then Pomfrey went to check on Black and Lupin. _Sirius and Remus_ , he had to remind himself. Severus hated Sirius but after the information he was accidentally given he decided to stop with the pranking for a long time. _Well maybe if they prank me first I'll get them back. But nothing too mean._ He mentally decided earlier. When the healer moved the curtain a bit to get inside Severus got a glimpse inside. What he saw was both boys curled upholding each other _Poofs!_ Severus thought and then scolded himself. He felt bad for the boys. He could see the thick bandages wrapped on Remus’ exposed arm.

Severus could tell Lily was upset. He knew very well that the redhead despised James and Sirius but she never seemed to hate Remus. Severus could agree that the boy was overall kind but had a temper. That temper is really the only reason he hated Remus other than his friends. Although it was his fault, Severus said something about Remus’ family once and it ended with a punch to the face and a broken nose. Even though he hated them he tried to be sympathetic towards the boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not a snape lover/apologist one bit and I actually hate him but IDK I guess I wanted to give him a nice side here. Might do something with it later lol. Hope you liked it!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized MUCH too late that I never gave an exact date when this all is happening. So the time both Remus and Sirius attempt is 4 am on January 17, 1975. I went and added timestamps were needed so hopefully, it's a bit less confusing now sorry!

**s**

Sirius and Remus had stopped laughing a bit after James ran out realizing what happened. He felt guilty about sending James into a panic attack. but really couldn't care about a lot at the moment. He was content laying in the bed with Moony. “Thank you.” Sirius said breaking the silence. “For what?” Remus replied a tad confused. “For being here with me. Wait, I'm gonna rephrase that because I'm not very happy about the whole dying thing. Thank you for laying in this bed with me.” the black-haired boy continued. “I know I shouldn't laugh but the fact that they were both in the span of 15 minutes is hilarious.” Remus told him honestly. “Are we gonna talk about that?” Sirius asked the other boy. “I don't think I can right now… I'll probably break down.” Remus said quietly. Then both boys yawned and a silent decision was made to go back to sleep.

Neither boy was in the headspace to realize they were cuddling but they couldn't care. They were what the other needed and they were content with the arrangement.

**Third-person**

Lily and Severus told Madam Pomfrey what happened with James and then they were free to go. While Lily was still worried, they decided to go back to their respective common rooms. James was still unconscious and Pete decided to go with Lily back to the common room. So the only ones in the wing beside Madam Pomfrey and 2 other patients were just James, Remus, and Sirius.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

*The date is 8:38, January 18th 1975*

By the time all three boys woke up it was night time. Apparently, Madam Pomfrey had given them all sleeping draught because ‘They all needed the extra sleep’, much to James' disagreement. “I don't think I can see James yet.” Remus had told Sirius when they had moved back to their own beds. Sirius nodded agreement, being brought back to the reality of things. Then Sirius had a scary revelation. “They’re gonna tell my parents! They really can't do that everything will get worse and i-” Sirius slapped a hand over his mouth to keep himself from exposing the abuse from his family.

“Sirius, I know. Don't worry about it yet okay. It won't do any good. I think both of us we're gonna have a shit summer before this, anyway.” Remus said, sounding numb. “What do you mean both of us Moony! You don't go home and get beaten and cut just for being in Gryffindor, You don't go home and get locked in your room for weeks! Don't act like you do because you don't. Your house is probably so lovely with parents that actually love you.” Sirius sat up and yelled since Pomfrey put a silencing spell around to curtain-room. He didn't mean to say all of that but  _ how dare someone say they had it hard at home when their parents loved them. _

Looking back Sirius agreed yelling was a mistake because Remus yelled right back. “Oh really know. Tell that to my drunk of a dad who comes into my room 4 times a week to yell at me about how much of a disappointment of a son I am. Tell that to my dad who every time I come out of my room for food he smacks me for ‘disrespecting him’. Try telling that to my mum who can't even get out of her bed to stop the arsehole! Tell that to my parents who lock me up in chains every moon and then forget I'm even in the goddamn basement for days. Sorry that your house is shit but don't go around acting like your the only one with fuck terrible parents!” Remus was out of his bed swaying a bit. He still had trouble standing.

They just glared at each other in silence. Barely anyone knew the extent of the abuse on Sirius. Just that his family hated him. But no one knew about Remus’ home. Everyone just assumed he had loving parents. But oh were they wrong. After a moment, Remus fell back onto his bed and didn't face Sirius. Remus knew he was fucked. His dad would scream at him about all he did for the boy when in reality he did nothing. His mum would be heartbroken.  _ The idea was supposed to be that I wasn't around for that _ , Remus thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY FOR NOT POSTING YESTERDAY PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! i promise I will start dating the times. again sorry for confusing the times and posting late


	6. Updating Notice

Hi, Author here. So its come to my attention recently that I haven’t updated this fic in about 2 months. I want to apologize about this. I’ve been struggling with my mental health lately so I had been taking a break. By the time I had gotten myself together enough to write, I hit complete writer’s block. So this is just a notice that I will be taking a break from updating this. I will be working on other fics when the ideas come to me but I just don’t know what to write for this fic right now. I’m so sorry guys.


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